Of Late Night Evenings and Inablility to Sleep Part 3

Watched the first 3 episodes of "Undeclared" with Drew. Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I am doing with my life. I stare at the computer screen, and my mind draws a big fat blank. I hop on facebook, look up friends to see if they are there. The semblance of keeping in touch.

So many people pass by and it all ends up being bullshit. George Carlin is dead of a heart attack at 71. In my head I think that for him it is both young and old. I think of everyone I know, or rather knew, that is dead now. Every year the number gets bigger. I get depressed over the fact that I sometimes can't see their faces anymore; I have to look at a picture.

I think about where I was a year ago, how I haven't submitted my internship papers, even though I have finished. I think about others in my graduating class, and how they are already working in film.

I think about the fact that I will most likely be laid off from my job at the Lyon Rouge soon, on account of nepotism. At least I won't get fired. Maybe I'll be able to get un-employment for a while. That'd be nice.

My lungs weigh heavier each day, as I smoke more and more cigarettes. Sometimes it's hard to breathe for no reason. At least I try to tell myself its for no reason. But there always is a reason. I feel recharged in some ways from Salmon La Sac, and more dead tired in other ways. I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation.

Maybe I just complain too much.

I wonder if anyone feels as listless and bored as I do. I wonder why anyone could love me. I wonder why I love people. I wonder why I care for the people I do. I wonder if anyone reads my blog.

I feel sorry for those who love me. I download free porn and feel slightly ashamed, finish up, and smoke a cigarette. I bet the irony of my life will be that I get skin cancer or prostate cancer and my lungs will be fine till the day I die.

I get depressed at my own mortality; I wonder if anyone else does. . .

Fuck it.