Of Late Night Evenings and Inablility to Sleep. Part 3

I can't seem to sleep. It's not even that late, but it is late for me now. My life has been reorganized due to my new-ish job. I wonder if I am doing a good job. I wish that I could talk about it, write about it, tell people anything. I can't. Contract and confidentiality blah blah blah. I'm too honest to break something like that.

I remember getting Drew to break her agreements of the sort, just to hear what she was doing at work. I promised her I would tell no one, and I did exactly that.

I feel old, or at least some semblance of old. I'm almost 25. That's halfway to 50. This though terrifies me. I feel like I should be getting married or starting a family or some bullshit along those lines. I still feel like a kid.

The scariest thing is seeing people my age who do have kids. So many of them have all the joy sucked out of their lives. "I'd go out tonight. . ." they say with that pathetic glazed over look "but I have to get home to my kids." I can barely take care of a pet, let alone another human being.

I understand why my father spent so much time being there for me. It was the right time for him to have children. He was 36 when I was born. He's old now, I guess, but with so much love of life still in him. The hard part is seeing him when yet another one of his friends die of cancer, or suicide, or heart attack. . . it keeps on going. Life, I guess, but more than that death.

I'm 24 and my two preoccupations in life are sex and death. At least it is some real life shit I worry about, not fashion or architecture, but the continuation of life and it's inevitable end.